The Awakening: Adult friendships are different from childhood friendships of course, because they hold more value. In elementary or middle school, you could have friends for one minute and then none the next. Childhood friendships can easily be fixed with an “I’m sorry” but adult friendships require action…they require changed behavior.
Up until recently, I didn’t have any friends, well at least I didn’t feel like I did, and that was mainly my fault. I pushed them away without even realizing. I overreacted in some situations and lacked communication overall. But the truth is, I am burnt out. I am exhausted from being overworked. I am exhausted from acting like the oldest sibling. I am exhausted from breaking generational patterns of dysfunction. Yet, I keep going.
I told my friends I was okay, when I wasn’t, or that I was too tired to respond or show up as a friend. I am not just talking about physical exhaustion, but mental exhaustion as well. I didn’t have the energy to physically respond but I responded in my head. My late text replies went from days to weeks…even months. In some friendship cliques, that was my norm, while in others it was a situation of concern. Eventually, they stopped reaching out and I didn’t realize it until months later.
My phone was quiet. Little to no notifications, zero unread messages, zero calls. That’s when things started to “click” for me. The lessons I learned when people finally decided to walk away…the definition of reciprocation in friendships.
When I finally used the time I had, outside of work, to sit and reflect, I admitted to myself that I miss my friends. I admitted that I fucked up. I realized that because I wasn’t communicating directly or effectively, there was no communication on either end. At first, this realization hit me deeply. I felt so many emotions at once – guilt, sadness, the “bad guy”, and more. Blaming myself for my actions and feeling guilty from not knowing any better, I began over-apologizing, over-explaining, and over-compensating to make up for. I avoided confrontation and accountability.
During moments of stillness, I sat by the water to process and release whatever came to surface. I learned that I needed to embrace discomfort and own my shit. I needed to accept accountability, so I reached out to my friends and initiated the hard conversations.
Reflection Questions: Is there any friend that you miss? A friend that you can still get in contact with and have a sit down? What happened between you and the other(s)?
Self-Awareness Tool That Has Helped Me Grow: Do you feel yourself getting defensive or reacting? If so, then you’re missing the bigger picture. Separate yourself from your thoughts and feelings and then ask yourself, “Is it really that deep?”, “Did you, or the other person, communicate while upset or triggered in any way?”. Having hard conversations are key to our development and identity. They build character, respect, humility, and so much more.
The Blessing: I am currently in contact with some friends and we are working on rebuilding our friendships. It feels good to not only see but also comprehend how my actions played a role in something I missed dearly for years…my friends. I thank God for continuing to work on me and making me see that the best apology is changed behavior. #dotheinnerworkonyou #forgive #toneanddelivery #release #livelaughlove